The Whiner’s Triangle

One of the first things that firemen learn about fires is that it takes three things to make a fire.  First, you need a fuel source – something like wood or paper that is capable of burning. Second, you need an ignition source – the spark that starts the fire.  Finally, you need an oxidizing agent – the most common is oxygen – which keeps the fire going. Together, these three things make up the fire triangle. Remove any one of them and the fire can’t sustain itself and will go out.

Yesterday, my wife took our youngest son to the orthopedist to have a checkup on his back. The results were good, but unfortunately, my wife had to wait over an hour to see the doctor. To us, he is a good doctor, in a good practice who is worth the inconvenience of a wait. The annoyance of waiting is a good time to work on one’s self-control. My wife was put to the test.

In the waiting room was another mother waiting for her child’s appointment. As my wife described her, she was a sprinting whiner. She not only whined about everything, but she also spoke so fast that it seemed like she was in a speed race. When my wife relayed the story to me, she could not even recall what the sprinting whiner was complaining about, nor did my wife care.

As we were talking about the “challenge” of keeping one’s composure when confronted by a sprinting whiner, my wife suggested the whiner’s triangle. On the right side is the whiner, on the left side is the sacrificial lamb (i.e. the president, taxes, teachers, the weather, the spouse, the kids, money, etc.), and on the bottom, laying the foundation are the people who are not only listening, they are contributing to the whining. It makes for an explosive situation.

I once worked in a place that had a group of whiners. They would hijack the breakroom, faculty room, hangout room, etc., and provide the gloomy overtones needed for a negative environment. I would walk out of these rooms feeling awful. Once I realized what was going on, I stopped occupying these spaces. They were too negative. The “shocker” is the whining never got these people anywhere. Whining is not a solution. Instead, it is what people do when they want to feel sorry for themselves, when they want others to feel sorry for themselves, and when they have given up on finding a solution to their problems.

In the fire triangle, it is easy to remove one of the sides of the triangle. You can deprive a fire of oxygen, you can remove its fuel source, and/or you can remove the heat. Remove any of the sides and the fire cannot exist. With regards to a whiner’s triangle, you can change your attitude and focus if you are the whiner, you can remove the sacrificial lamb, or you can remove yourself as a member of the audience. If you cannot remove yourself from the audience, as in my wife’s situation, you can focus on your attitude and use the strategies needed to keep you from succumbing to the whiner’s triangle.

You cannot prevent whiner’s from complaining, but you can remove yourself from the whiner’s triangle. Start working on recognizing when you are part of the whiner’s triangle and learn how to remove yourself from the situation. This will make you happier and stronger. Once you have confidence in your abilities, try teaching others how to do the same.